Last year at school we where given an essay assignment. It was to write a humorous essay similar to a Dave Barry type thing. I'm no comedian, but I had fun writing this, and I like how it turned out, any suggestions on how to add to it or change it so I can turn it in again next year. (Hopefully for another "A")

COUNTER-STRIKE

Counter-Strike is known as the worlds most popular on-line game for the PC. It is a very simple game. You are either on the terrorist team or on the counter-terrorist team. Your objective is to eliminate the members of opposing force. Counter-Strike is not just a game. Playing Counter-Strike is a lifestyle. If you do not devote at least eight hours of your day playing Counter-Strike(CS) you have no chance of becoming a pro, or earning the coveted ranking of 1337(elite). The hardest part of the game is to get started. You will need an incredibly fast computer and the patience of a sloth. No one is born a good player, but with some time and concentration you can become great. But don't get your hopes up.

First you are going to need to build your own computer(gaming rig). You are probably asking, why can't I just buy a computer? Well the answer is, Dell or Gateway can not offer the power you need in a computer, and you need a customizable “rig” to get a solid 933 frames per second(fps) in the game. CS is a very demanding game for your computer and you will need the best of the best in PC hardware. The first priority is installing two graphic cards, each running at 512 megabyte clock-speed, at least 10 gigabytes of DDRX-400 ram, and an AMD FX-69 processor. These components are most important and should cost only about $3,000. On top of that you will need at least a 20,000 RPM hard drive that has a capacity of at least 13 terabytes. Once you get a standard motherboard, case, and blue-ray disk drive, you should have a standard gaming rig ready for CS at just under $19,000. Now comes the hardest part, getting started.

The best way to learn the game, is to learn the levels(maps). When you are able to navigate thorough all 93 maps blind folded, you will be ready to start using the weapons. It's important to know your team, and your opponents better than you know yourself. Using the PC microphone you have to carefully plan your attack, or defense. Equally important is the fact that certain guns are better for certain situations. For instance in maps that take place inside an office building, you will need to use guns with better firing capability at close range, and you will not be using a sniper rifle. Once you get to know what gun to use, you have to learn how to shoot. Bursts are always best at long range, and never reload in the middle of an enormous gun fight. It is best to try out many weapons to see what suits you best. The most important part of Counter-Strike is your game conduct.

Now that you have the basics of game play down, you can't jump right into a game. Remember that you, along with everyone you are playing against on line, has the power to type or speak against you in the microphone. In CS you are not let back into the game until there is one clear winner and this could take a long time. Below is an example of the type of conversations that could come up while you are waiting to be let back in the game. The names have not been changed, and at the end of the essay there is a glossary providing information on the obscure vocabulary. (NOTE: the bolded text is not to be graded for grammar. It is they way that gamers communicate.)

There are only two players left, and they are both camping and not looking for each other.

1337_H4x0r- man this is gonna take fore ever....

ULTRAn00b- dude hes at “A” man go to “A” go to “A” man

kewlGUY67- hey n00b they cant read what you are saying while they are still in the game!!

Suddenly ULTRAn00b starts playing ultra cheesy European Techno over the microphone. Everyone can hear it...

R3D3V1L- dude you better turn that crap off or the admin is gonna ban you off the server.

ULTRAn00b- dude it wasn't me I swear...

R3D3V1L- yes it is, we can see who is talking...

Finally the time runs out and a new round starts, when it ends a flame war erupts.

KewlGUY67- OMG OMG OMG 1337_H4x0r is hacking the game, he killed everyone on the other team in just 10 seconds, he needs to be banned now.

GACSman- ahhh the nooob hacker 1337_H4x0r is hacking he thinks he is sooo tuff the admin better ban him now.

R3D3V1L- OMG what just happened I was playing and sudenly Im dead. HOOOO is hacking!!1111!11!1111!111! And ULTRAn00b you better turn off that music now.

ULTRAn00b- im sorry please dont ban me.

Suddenly the hacker named 1337_H4x0r is out of the game and starts chatting.

1337_ H4x0r- wow you guys all suck I guess I rele pwnzerd you all.

The admin bans him and he is off of the server forever.

This is only a small example of the types of things that are being said while in the middle of a game. It is best to stay out of the conversation in general, unless someone is talking badly about you at which point you retaliate with a slew of insults from which they can not recover. You can also try to use the microphone as little as possible and especially do not play music on it. It is also best not to share your feelings concerning anything that is going on outside of the game(politics, other games, current events, etc.). This could inadvertently trigger a flame war.

Those are just the basics. You will need to discover the rest for yourself while playing the game. After a solid 365 days of playing for eight hours each day, you might be ready to join up with some clans. Clans are a group of people that stick together as a team, often competing in tournaments for money and prizes. But don't get your hopes up. As you play, you may feel like your wasting you're time and your money on this game that only geeks play. That's not true. You must spend as much time playing as you can and you must spend at least $1000 on your computer to upgrade it monthly. In five or six years you might make some money back. But don't get your hopes up. By following these simple instructions you can and will be a great player some day. But don't get you hopes up.